• We need = I want
• It's your decision = The correct decision should be obvious by now
• Do what you want = You'll pay for this later
• We need to talk = I need to complain
• You're...so manly = You need a shave and you sweat a lot
• You're certainly attentive tonight! = Is sex all you ever think about?
• I'm not emotional! And I'm not overreacting! = I've got my period
• This kitchen is so inconvenient = I want a new house
• I want new curtains = and carpeting, and furniture, and wallpaper...
• I need wedding shoes = the other 40 pairs are the wrong shade of white
• Hang the picture there = NO, I mean hang it there
• I heard a noise = I noticed you were almost asleep
• Do you love me? = I'm going to ask for something expensive
• How much do you love me? = I did something today you're not going to like
• I'll be ready in a minute = kick off your shoes and find a good game on TV
• Is my butt fat? = Tell me I'm beautiful
• You have to learn to communicate = Just agree with me
• Yes = No
• No = No
• Maybe = No
• I'm sorry = You'll be sorry
• Do you like this recipe? = It's easy to fix so you'd better get used to it
• I'm not yelling! = Yes I'm yelling because I think it's important
• All we're going to buy is a soap dish = It goes without saying that we're stopping at the cosmetics department, the shoe department, I need to look at a few purses, and those sheets would look great in the bedroom and did you bring your check book?

THE WOMEN'S GUIDE TO MALE ENGLISH

• I'm hungry = I'm hungry
• I'm sleepy = I'm sleepy
• I'm tired = I'm tired
• Do you want to go to a movie = I'd eventually like to have sex with you
• Can I take you out to dinner? = I'd eventually like to have sex with you
• Can I call you sometime? = I'd eventually like to have sex with you
• May I have this dance? = I'd eventually like to have sex with you
• Nice dress = Nice cleavage!
• You look tense, let me give you a massage = I want to fondle you
• What's wrong? = I don't see why you're making such a big deal out of this
• What's wrong? = what meaningless, self inflicted psychological trauma are you going through now?
• What's wrong? = I guess sex tonight is out of the question
• I'm bored = Do you want to have sex?
• I love you = Let's have sex now
• I love you, too = Okay, I said it...we'd better have sex now!
• Yes, I like the way you cut your hair = I liked it better before
• Yes, I like the way you cut your hair = $50 and it doesn't look that much different!
• Let's talk = I am trying to impress you by showing that I am a deep person and maybe then you'd like to have sex with me
• Will you marry me? = I want to make it illegal for other men to have sex with you
• I like that one better (while shopping) = Pick any frigging dress and let's go home!

In politics, if you want anything said, ask a man; if you want anything done, ask a woman.
- Margaret Thatcher

I am a marvelous housekeeper. Every time I leave a man I keep his house.
- Zsa Zsa Gabor